Panders: Living the Dream

Despite all the cool animals, zoos have a tendency to make me a little sad. I love almost all critters (with the notable exception of snakes), and seeing them in cages is a bit of a heartbreaking experience. The time I spent at the Oregon Zoo as a kid (and more recently as a pseudo-adult) was always great, but seeing animals in captivity makes me want to do little more than set them free. And while Portland may have a severe shortage of giraffes, I just don’t think the hipsters there are ready for Savannah animals to be roaming their streets yet. Outside of the obvious logistical problems of street-giraffes, they don’t wear nearly enough plaid. Though their legs might just be skinny enough for a pair of Levis 510s… Hmm.

Anyway, I was fully expecting my Chinese zoo experience to be one of my worst. In my mind, I began to picture terrible bouts of animal cruelty, small cages, and an entire population that was acting like that one kid at the zoo who thinks it’s funny to knock on the glass at the monkeys. Sure, I had heard whimsical tales of White Lions and Ligers and Sunbears, oh my! But let’s be honest: China’s population has a tendency to live in what I’ve come to refer to as the “socially acceptable grey-area.” Things are perfectly okay here—if not encouraged—that would just not be considered normal in America: babies defecating in the street, people spitting on restaurant floors, and women wearing cartoon-print pajamas at all times of the day, to name a few. These may not directly relate to any negative zoo experience—though I have witnessed all of these things during my time here—but my point is that China’s standard for what is acceptable, especially in terms of how animals are treated, is very different than in the US—and not always for the better.

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But then again, sometimes the unexpected happens: and if Charlie Sheen can be successful, then so too can China. Not only do they make the best damn xiaolongbao in the world, but they also know how to make a good zoo—at least in Shanghai.

Firstly, what zoo would be complete without a racetrack? Sure, one could be content with racing horses or dogs, but China likes to shoot for the moon; they don’t settle for mediocrity here. Between the camels, horses, dogs, ostriches, and cheetahs, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I can’t help but think that if Momma and Papa Wolf had dealt in Cheetahs, and not Arabian Horses, that they’d still have a showing at Portland Meadows. What a shame—my childhood, spent standing up on the railings trying to catch a glimpse of horses racing, could have been so different. Why Momma Wolf would settle for housecats, and not cheetahs, I doubt I’ll ever fully understand. I guess the majestic Orange Tabby is the next best thing to anything you might see on an African safari.

But back to the zoo, and away from yet another tangent making fun of my mother’s cats. Next up on my list of why Chinese zoos are better than American zoos: the petting zoo. As any small child, or person with the maturity of a small child, will tell you, this is a necessary stop for any day spent zooing. However, after enough experiences, you begin to feel a sense of numbness towards Dexter cows; once you’ve hand-fed enough, they all start to feel the same. By the tender age of 19, I had all but lost that sense of adventure that petting zoos once provoked…

But China has reinvigorated me. Let me introduce: the kangaroo petting zoo. It’s a slightly sketchy operation, as there’s no gate and the "entrance fee" is paid to two men who are standing nearby a sign, but there’s a large grassy area with about 20 kangaroos being chased by Chinese children and their mothers. There’s no hand-washing station—this is China, people—but there’s a small spicket coming from the ground where you can rinse yourself off with some of Shanghai’s unpotable tap water. The kangaroos are (relatively) tame, and for $3 USD anything goes.

…And once you go kangaroo, you never go backaroo. Sorry, Dexter.

But kangaroos and racetracks aside, there is one aspect of the Chinese zoo that simply cannot be ignored: panders (“pandas”, for those of you who are less cultured in Chinese accents). China has a habit of milking its cash cows for all they’re worth, and panders are no exception. These charming, lazy critters have become a national treasure, and China has made sure that they are not going anywhere anytime soon. There’s the argument that we shouldn’t focus so much time and resources trying to carry on a breed of animal that would clearly otherwise be extinct, but they’re just so damned cute. How could you not do everything possible to keep these little bundles of joy alive? Sure, they have no desire to procreate, and sure, they can often not differentiate between sexes of their own kind in captivity, and sure, their bodies cannot properly digest the only type of bamboo—of almost 30 varieties—that they choose to eat, but… Whatever. Shut up, they’re awesome. So awesome.

As I mentioned earlier though, zoos generally make me sad. These guys, however, completely broke the zoo animal stereotype; they loved their life—everything about it. I have honestly never seen an animal that was so genuinely happy. It’s as if bamboo was the most amazing thing that they had ever tasted or imagined, and every meal of it was the first and last time that they would ever get a chance to experience it. I truly cannot understand how someone could not love a Pander. If you ever have the opportunity to see one, please do; quite frankly I think we could all learn a thing or two from them. Instead of taking after their pickiness over food and utter laziness though, focus on how happily they live their life: even in captivity, they’re still living the dream. God bless you, panders.

On a mostly unrelated subject…

Type in “can pandas” into Google, and the top 10 suggestions to finish this search are as follows: swim, be pets, eat people, be dangerous, be domesticated, kill, purr, run, eat meat, and run backwards. Just for the record, the “purr” search is inconclusive—though apparently raccoons can.

Also: the red panda (only the “lesser” panda in name, not in my heart) thrived in the mountains of eastern Tennessee roughly 4.5 million year ago.

Thanks, Wikipedia. And the quest for knowledge continues…

Zai jian,

Jhw