Babies “R” Us

Not that it matters—as I’m not in a position of authority in America or China—but I very much question how many people actually follow the one-child policy here. Babies are everywhere. I’ve been told that there are four babies in China for every one in the US, but it doesn’t seem like this could possibly be true. Maybe it’s because I live in Boston—where basically a quarter of the population is in college—but I see far fewer babies in America than this ratio suggests. Not that I’m saying I wish I saw more babies in Boston, I’m merely trying to point out a personal observation: in order for this baby factoid to hold true, most of Boston’s student populace would have to be parents. Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I shouldn’t be having kids any time soon, and quite frankly neither should the rest of my demographic.

Does coat-check accept kids?

The idea of my friends trying to raise children right now terrifies me. I hear news of people I that knew back in the day procreating, and it frightens me that they are raising the next generation of Americans. I shan’t mention any specific names, but I think we all know a few people who fit the description of “they just had a kid? Oh f***…”

But I digress. My point is that Baby (as Asian babies all look the same, I shall refer to them as a single entity) is everywhere. Really. Everywhere I look, I see future-Mao wearing his ubiquitous puffy jacket and pseudo-pants. You can’t walk down the street without Baby holding you captive as he goes through his usual daily errands: Baby walking; Baby sleeping; Baby defecating in the street; Baby eating; Baby throwing cats; Baby laughing; Baby playing with raw meat; Baby drinking Coca-Cola; Baby falling down; Baby darting in front of traffic; Baby running with sharp objects. Everyday it’s the same. On occasion you want to tell Baby to stop, but you just can’t bring yourself to pull him aside and explain “no, Baby, orange kitty doesn’t like it when you sit on his face.”

I’d consider some of his usual activities normal, but surely some of these are only until he knows better. It’s tough, but you have to watch Baby make his own mistakes. Baby’s parents seem to be of the mindset that Baby should learn through experience; quite the contrary to many over-protective American parents, Baby’s seem to adhere to more of a hands-off approach. Baby is rolling around in trash? Good for him. Maybe he’ll find something better to play with than those rusty scissors he has now.

I’m sure Momma and Papa Wolf have had a tough time watching me struggle through many of my own life lessons. There was never any shortage of advice, but sadly it was all-too-often cast aside in attempts to do things my own way (teenagers say the darnedest things, right?). And now, as Baby begins to go through the same motions that I once did, I have to just sit back, watch, and restrain myself from intervention: Baby’s first steps; Baby’s first solid food; Baby’s first bike ride; Baby’s first time driving a clutch; Baby’s first trip to Montreal; Baby’s first tequila shot; Baby’s first time waking up behind a toilet.

Oh, Baby, the places you’ll go.

Zai jian,

Jhw

A Purrfect Situation

I guess I’ll start off by talking about “Cat Place”. It’s a little restaurant that we call such not because of the food it serves, but because of the loving, slightly-feral cat that calls it home. Don’t worry, America, cats are still one of the few things here classified under the “non-food” category. Instead, they serve the dual purpose of rodent-control, and providing me something to play with while I eat meals. Cats freely wandering an eating establishment may not give off the impression of cleanliness to the average Westerner, but try to see it from a perspective of trade-offs. Would you rather have mice in your food, or get to play with kitties while you eat?

…Kitties!

I don’t know all the laws in China, or even if there are any, but there’s a few “suggestions” that I've noticed. For one, there seems to be some kind of restaurant safety code, monitored with inspections similar to those that take place in the US. It’s based on a three tiered scale of exceeding, passing, and failing. However, the results are represented with graphics so that they are internationally understood: a green happy face, the Wal-Mart smiley face after a long day at work, and Charlie Sheen. Restaurants don’t need to put up their results, nor will they be shut down because of them, but I’ve seen them posted in certain upscale establishments. KFC, for example, proudly shows their pissed-off Wal-Mart smiley face, proclaiming to the world that they passed their inspection. Cat Place, however, doesn’t display their results. I can’t help but assume that their cat isn’t doing a good enough job. Perhaps they just need more cats; this has generally been my solution to problems in the past. Just ask Momma Wolf. She’s up to six now.

After all, they’re a purrfect solution to everything.

And isn’t that one thing the world needs more of? Cats? Big cats, small cats, fluffy cats, skinny cats, catty cats? Absolutely. Not everyone may agree with me, but China seems to understand of my logic because cats are everywhere. These majestic beings roam the backstreets, sing out beautiful melodies at night, and most importantly, faithfully serve restaurants such as Cat Place. They’re doing their catly duties so well, in fact, that Shanghai is seemingly devoid of rats—both those flying and non-flying. While Boston and New York are plagued by pigeon herds, I have yet to see any here besides those that are caged with chickens in the back alleyways. I can therefore partly explain away their downfall by their lack of “non-food” designation, but rats are another story: I’m relatively certain that they are not one of the indulgences in “three delicacies” dumplings, so what could it be?

That’s right, America, kitties.

I think we can all agree though, that America already has enough feral cats. So really, what we need are better feral cats. The problem here is obviously that American cats are getting too lazy. Obesity is an epidemic not only for our people, but apparently for our pets as well. If they were doing their jobs right, I wouldn’t get jumped by street-thug pigeons every time I tried to get into my apartment building in Boston. I can’t think of a solution outside of importing Chinese cats, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.

In the meantime, please spay or neuter your pets. Not only are they not doing their jobs well enough, but Momma Wolf will not accept anymore kittens. I’ve tried. She does have a certain fondness for Tabbies though…

Good luck.

Zai jian,

Jhw